Finding the Lost

     At this point it has been 913 days since my world imploded.  No, I didn't actually know this, I looked it up.  Point is, if you've been following, you may wonder where in this journey did I arrive to being able to write this.

    Throughout the the healing process I kept reading and hearing about finding yourself again.  What does that even mean, I'm a mom, a teacher, a daughter, a friend...this is who I am.  I am not lost, I just had a very important piece of my life leave.  I'm still here.  But that was an absolute LIE.  Who did I give up over these past 24 years, what was taken from me, who really am I, who WAS I?  

    Throughout the dating attempts, it was always the same questions.  What do you like to do?  What do you do for fun?  Well I'm a full-time mom and teacher.  Oh and handles of Tito's is my comfort food.  There isn't much left.  These questions made me look at myself with a little bit of disgust.  Did I really have nothing to respond to with these two simple questions?  Is this really all I am?  This finding yourself thing.  I didn't have time to pull an Eat, Pray, Love.  Although it would have been magical, I did start finding myself on my own journey. 

    What was it that gave me the most joy?  Besides loving my girls, family, and friends, what would someone say in my obituary?  Morbid?  Maybe, but once it's over, it's over, how was I going to LIVE it?

    Music, that has always been my absolute favorite thing.  Live music, drowning out the world music, FEELING the music, dancing to the music.  Okay now what?  I miss going to concerts, I miss live local bands, I miss cover songs done in creative ways, and just being with around the magical creative minds of musicians, their humor, their thoughts, their completely different off-stage personalities.  Do something about it.

    My faith, now this one has been an entire lifelong journey on its own, but to stick to the current situation, I am back in church and no longer angry with God.  I always had a very solid foundation here until I chose to take every bit of it and destroy it.  I made some very questionable, immoral choices and I was angry as hell.  The devil had a tight grip on me and almost won.  Rebuilding that has been a very careful process.  Religion and personal faith is such a hard thing to define.  I mean if it wasn't we wouldn't have well over 4,000 recognized religions in the world.  Am I right?  I'm a Convert Catholic, my girls have been raised Cradle Catholics.  I was raised Lutheran, attended Lutheran school and after graduation attended Mass with my adopted grandmother, started the process to become Catholic, but then was very involved in a Methodist youth group and attended a large Baptist church in high school.  Once I got to college I was so lost in so many ways.  But I had my faith and this book. Life on the Edge: A Young Adult's Guide to a Meaningful Life by Dr. James Dobson. Regardless how he is seen today, back in 1998/1999 this book kept me from falling over the edge, many times. 

    Going back 30 years is where I started to find myself. 1994 here we come.