The Deaths



“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”― gerard way


There were four deaths. Our marriage, our family, our future, and who I thought I was.


    One died in a sudden-to-me implosion, with absolutely no warning. I had no say, no opinion, I was shut down at every word that didn't want to be heard or read. Wasn't this the norm though? Why did I expect anything more? The second was just a matter of picking up what was left, taking the time to dust off the lies, sort through the wreckage, and placing the pieces in a safe spot until I could come up with a plan. A plan, what an insane idea that is. The plan, was to raise our babies that we spent nearly a decade praying for. The plan, was to watch them grow into the beautiful adults that we knew they'd become. The plan, was to grow old together, holding hands, holding each other like we always had. Future. Dead. No possible resurrection. Then there was the last death to come to terms with. There was a long, very long stay in limbo. Yes, that is what it was, standing still at the edge of hell. I'd like to say that's as bad as it got, but I'd be lying. I ended up falling over the edge in so many ways. Physically, there was no night nor day, it was just a body, an empty shell going through the movements. Emotionally, the hell came as questions that would not stop, the scenarios, the intrusive thoughts, the doubts. Every single terrible stage of grief, but there were only four, not five. They would each visit unannounced, sometimes all four would gang up until Zannie had enough and stepped up to defend what was left. Mental awareness had left with my soul that day. The worst hell was the spiritual. I wanted to fall on this as my last hope, it had always been there, but this time there was nothing to fall onto. The fall was so great, all that I had, in every aspect of my faith was shattered and swept away in a raging wave. What was left? The four pillars that kept me going had been knocked out from under me. In the midst of the chaos that remained, I saw no point in continuing. My babies were with the safest people they could be with and nearly 2,000 miles away. They'd be fine. I could just go now. There was no reason to stay.

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