Stuck in a Nightmare

 They say being stuck in a nightmare is simply the culmination of your emotions about current events in your life and your fears for the future.  This is exactly what the next six months felt like.  The tears tapered off somewhere just after seven months.  They came every single day, out of the blue, when a song came on, when a memory popped into my mind, scents, sights, tastes, images.  None of my senses were safe.  Time moved on, agreeing did not.  The first draft of the separation agreement did not meet his satisfaction, he needed an attorney to read for him. Delays, arguments, blame, denial, and every emotion under the sun came in and sometimes stayed for unwelcomed amounts of time.  In this season I found myself confiding in the one person who seemed to keep the same sleep schedule, well lack of sleep really.  Sleep didn't actually occur without dear Zannie.  Even then, there were nights when the unrelenting questions and self-doubt could not be silenced.  They just got louder, but his words could get them to stop.  I knew it had no future and that made it a safe place to be for now.  During this time the three of us made the decision to make the move half-way across the country to start over.  This meant the lasts were coming and those were hard.  Our last Halloween, I stood on our street taking in the lights, the sounds, the laughter and the amazing friendships we had made in the 5 years of living there.  The fireside chats framily could never be replaced.  They poured the Tito's and lit the fires that we'd laugh and cry over those last Fall months.  Even found some cathartic release by burning all the wedding memories.  It was all coming to an end.  Christmas came and we were supposed to spend it back "home" but flight delays and cancelations ruined our plans.  Once again the framily stepped up and took us in.  How would I start over without this amazing support group?  The new year came and we celebrated with, of course the framily.  In those very early hours of 2023, I found myself being held close, dancing in my living room.  What if I stayed for him?  It made absolutely no sense, but then again not a single thing from June of the previous year had made any sense.  By March there was a workable agreement that neither of us were actually happy about.  I walked into my attorney's office the day before my 43rd birthday and signed what would eventually be my divorce.  The nightmare continued.