Going through the Motions

     After signing the agreement I expected some kind of weight to be lifted.  In a sense I suppose it was.  It was just another step closer to moving on, whatever that was supposed to look like.  I honestly can't recall a lot from this time, as I was just going through the motions while life kept going on around me.  By now I had managed to pack up and have all of his things moved out of our home.  He of course came and collected everything mostly when I was not there.  I remember packing his things and finding all these things he had kept from "us."  The garter from our wedding, the panties I wore that day, momentos, cards, love notes, pictures.  I so badly wanted to just throw them all away, but decided that one day he needs to go back to this place and face it all.  Having him out of the house in every possible was important to me.  I needed that.

    I started purging the house to keep me busy.  Knowing that the cost to move was going to be high, I figured the less stuff the better.  This is how I kept myself busy after work and on the weekends.  I didn't care to sell it, I just wanted it gone.  He didn't want anything but a tv and surround sound anyway.  I had paid for nearly everything so it didn't matter.  I found solace in giving things to other single moms starting over, kids going off to college, and military families.  Anything that reminded me of him went first.  It's weird what you associate with someone.  All our square plates and bowls had to go.  The Pottery Barn dishes stayed.  His favorite cups and mugs, I made sure he got them.  Things that were about us, destroyed.  It was cathartic.  Sheets, bedding, everything had to change.  There was just too much of him in it all.  

    The only thing we actually agreed on was selling our home.  This was the hardest.  I knew I couldn't keep it up on my own and he had already gone back on his word to help.  It was just too much for me.  He went back on everything he said actually.  Making the girls a priority, seeing them as much as possible...the list would eventually get very lengthy in lies and excuses.  We agreed to use the realtor that we used when we bought it.  She was absolutely in shock to learn of our demise, as anyone who knew us was.  

    I did therapy online, which only recently I remembered.  I truly was just going through the motions.  I was not present.  I even kept a notebook during this time, its whereabouts now are unknown.  I eventually went in person sometime around his return.  This was more intense therapy where she solidified what a narcissist was and that he indeed was a textbook definition.  I had never really known what a narcissist was, so how was I supposed to know their redflags.  Over time I saw that there really were so many red flags, so many.  If I only knew at 19 what I knew now.