The Grieving

    Grief is a ghost that no one really wants to talk about.  Some "see" it, but choose to deny its presence.  When it's your grief, your ghost, there is no eluding it.  No escape.  They say there are five stages of grief.  When you are in the midst of it, it's hard to recall what they are, or what order they are supposed to come in.  

    Denial is supposed to come first.  This is the stage that nearly everyone I spoke to fell into immediately.  "Not you two!" "I would have never imagined!" "Deployments mess with your head, wait till he gets back, he'll come to his senses." But I knew differently.  I knew him.  That day in June, that phone call was not as unexpected as it may have seemed.  It came after a text that I sent, "I'm not trying to be funny or dramatic, but I'm scared you're coming home and telling me you don't want to be together anymore."  They say a woman's intuition is never wrong.  It had never been wrong before, but I was on glue.  I should have known better though.  Clarity of thought in this moment doesn't exist. At. All.  My entire future flashed before me and the only words I could utter was, "all I ever wanted was to grow old with you."  His reply was, "me too."  Then why was he telling me he wanted to separate?  His "reasons" were so selfish and made no sense. Why? Why? What was happening?  What HAD happened?  The questions were all of denial.  This cannot be happening.  This is a really messed up dream, no, nightmare.  

    Anger came and went.  Anger at myself, I am all to blame for this.  Anger at him, how *could* he?  The lies that followed just fueled more anger and emotions that made no sense whatsoever.  This stage crept up at the worst moments, moments where I was content.  The anger would last and last.  I felt so out of control of my own emotions, this wasn't fair.  Anger was like the new neighbor you knew you didn't like, tried to avoid at all cost, but was there, hopefully just renting.  

    The bargaining came in full by July.  I had prayed, very specific prayers for my husband.  Trying to salvage what I could with God.  I mean after all we were married in the church, we took vows in front of God, family, and friends.  Surely He would fix this.  Please fix this.  I will do anything.  This stage of grief didn't last long, I was back to denial.  Then I accepted it.  I would tell people "it is what it is."  Most of them were still in denial for me.  Anger returned and brought a familiar friend.

    Depression set in and this time it was just a daily struggle to keep moving forward.  The days were long and the nights were even longer.  It was summer break so I had no routine, no schedule, no balance.  I cried every single day for just over six months.  I thought it would never end.  Summer came and went.  A new school year started.  Depression and anger came a long.  That year was the worst year of teaching I had ever had.  This, on top of all the emotions, the decisions that had to be made, trying to keep up with life and my girls, was almost too much.  But I was not alone.